Thursday, November 09, 2006

My cat plays the cello on this ottoman; do ya want it?

This is what I posted on Craig's List to get rid of some furniture I didn't want anymore. I'll address the responses I got in a subsequent post, but suffice it to say, there are some weird motherfuckers in this city.

I have too much furniture!

So, maybe you hate your roommate and want to move out, but you don't have any living room furniture. Or maybe your wife is about to boot you out because she found out about your girlfriend. Or maybe you're just starving art students who have an apartment full of beanbag chairs, milk crates and mattresses on the floor. Honestly, it doesn't matter to me. I just have some furniture that I really need to get rid of.

There are four pieces, enough to pretty much furnish a [kinda small] living room. I could call this stuff "shabby chic", but we all know that's just a cheesy way to say "old", so I'll just say this stuff ain't new. There's a love seat with a matching ottoman, a coffee table and an end table. Yeah, I know, this isn't sounding like much of a sales job, right? Weeeell, let's take a closer look, shall we?

This sofa is SOOOO much better than the usual free crap on Craig's List, I gotta tell ya.First, the love seat- in the picture, it doesn't have feet on it, but I assure you, there are feet for it. They're not on the loveseat because it's kind of a bitch to fit it through a door with the feet on, so my idiot movers cut off all the screws that were holding the feet on in order to remove the feet. In fact, this loveseat used to have an enormous sofa companion, but the movers wrecked that so badly that it had to be thrown out. Schleppers sucks. Anyhoo, I still have the feet for the sofa as well as the loveseat, so you get a total of eight (Count 'em! Eight!) feet for this loveseat. You get to pick which ones you like best, but you have to take 'em all with you. I don't really give a rat's behind what you do with the other four; maybe you can stick 'em under your mattress-on-the-floor bed so it looks like a platform bed, or save 'em as spares. I'm not sure how many salvagable screws are in the feet, but you can get more screws at any hardware store for, like, a buck.

Next there's the ottoman. It is the same width as the loveseat and they were part of the aforementioned set. If you're really fat, you can push this thing up against the loveseat to make the world's biggest barcalounger. Otherwise, you and your favorite snuggle-bug can sit next to each other while watching TV and stretch your legs out on the comfy ottoman while you're at it. You can even let your drunk friends crash there after a rough night at the clubs. If you look carefully, you might be able to see the feet on the ottoman; they're the same as the ones for the couch. They kinda blend into the floor, though, so if you can't see them, they're pretty basic couch-feet.

I'll tell you right now- both items have undoubtedly been barfed on by cats at some point, but there has been no sex or nose-picking on them (*), and they were steam cleaned meticulously in the spring, so any cat barf that's left in there is pretty damned sterile. Also, the cat who is playing the cello [that's a euphemism for "licking her hoo-ha"] in the picture below does not come with the furniture. She stays with me. Sorry about her licking her hoo-ha on the ottoman. You can always get slipcovers.Pussycat, pussycat, I love yooo...yes, I dooooo

The end table is about as basic as they come. As you can see in the picture, it's cube-shaped and has two frosted glass inlays. Cube.Whoopee! Seriously, I can't think of a damned thing to say about this end table except that it blends really well into most decor and it's actually in great shape.

Last, the coffee table. This coffee table rocks. If I had room, I'd totally keep it, because it's just a cool damned coffee table. Why is it so cool? Well, first, see all those drawers in it? They're on both sides. That means a total of eight drawers. Each drawer has a little divider in it (made of wood, even!) that lets you use the drawers to store CDs or DVDs. You can fit hundreds of CDs in it. Seriously. It holds 352 CDs if you don't squish 'em, but you might be able to bump it up to 360 if you don't have any double-disk sets and you push a little bit. It's kinda hard to get 'em back out when you do that, though, so I don't recommend it.Coolest. Coffee table. Ever. Except for the lack of consistent coaster usage and resultant crapetizing of the top surface.

Okay, so the coffee table holds CDs. But that's not all! See that base part on the bottom? It's a magazine rack underneath. Great for stashing crap you're too lazy to put where it belongs. Or actual magazines, even. The top and the base are separate pieces, so it's also really easy to lug around the house while you decide where you want to put it.

In fact, all of this stuff is really easy to move. You'll still need two people for the loveseat, though. Come and get it and it's YOURS! Just take it off my hands, PLEASE. If you take all of it and don't mess up any of my stuff getting it out of here, I'll even throw in a free box of Crest Whitestrips. I can't use 'em 'cause I have sensitive teeth. The box is still sealed and I didn't spit in it or anything.

And remember, you can't have the cello-playing cat, nor can you have anything else you see in the pictures besides the items described above. I just know you really wanted those dust bunnies under the couch, but really, I can clean those up myself. E-mail me if you want the stuff and can come to pick it up (you'll need a pick-up truck). First come, first served.

Did I mention that it's all free?

(*) I know the cat barf and no sex on the couch thing makes me sound like a pathetic loser, but I swear, I've gotten laid during the tenure of my ownership of this furniture. Seriously. Just not on the loveseat.

And if you're gonna get cranky because this stuff isn't all showroom-new, I refer you to the beginning of this ad. It's used, and it's free. Be happy it's not sexed on.

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