Thursday, September 07, 2006

Beelzebub Luuv

Hello! My name is Beelzebub. Please store every crucial facet of your life in me so that I can barf like a drunk sorority twat and bring your life to a screeching halt. Screw analog; go digital. It's quicker to implode.
I had a Treo 700w (it's a phone). Then I didn't have a Treo 700w. Now I do again. Here's the summary (via copied & pasted e-mails):

From: [me]
Sent: Friday, July 14, 2006 1:52 PM
To: [my team at BorgCo]
Subject: Dead Treo Update

BLEAAAH! Can I lick your data, little girl?All,

My Treo is dead, dead, dead. D-E-D.

Verizon is overnighting me a new one, so I should be back to functionality by the end of the weekend, but in the meantime, did I mention that my phone is dead? It sprouted horns and a tail and is lying there sticking its tongue out at me. I have renamed it Beelzebub 700w. If you need me, I’m e-mailable. If you don’t need me, I’ll be in the corner crying because nobody needs me.

-From: [my coworker]
-Sent: Friday, July 14, 2006 2:07 PM
-To: [me]
-Subject: RE: Dead Treo Update

-Thanks for giving me a laugh during my [huge corporate customer of BorgCo] meeting on a fri afternoon.
-Oh and sorry about your phone!
-------Sent from my Smartphone

-From: [me]
-Sent: Friday, July 14, 2006 2:10 PM
-To: [my coworker]
-Subject: RE: Dead Treo Update

-You realize that you're just rubbing salt into my wounds by sending replies from your phone, right? Now I'm gonna go lie curled up on the floor petting Beelzebub's tiny little keyboard while sobbing uncontrollably.

From: [me]
Sent: Saturday, July 15, 2006 3:01 PM
To: [my team]
Subject: Beelzebub 700w Update


Although the woman with whom I spoke yesterday at Verizon confirmed several times that my new Beelzebub 700w was being overnighted and would be here today, she apparently had difficulty with what “overnight” means, because my new Beelzebub 700w was actually shipped 2 [business] day FedEx and is not scheduled to be delivered until July 18th by 7:00 PM. This, unfortunately, is after I will have left for Orlando. Therefore, I may not actually have a cell phone all next week while I am in Orlando, and because I’ll be wandering around a convention center, I’ll also not have speedy access to e-mail. If you need anything from me (which, I realize, you probably won’t [sob]), please be aware that I’ll be relatively unreachable unless some miracle occurs and my new Beelzebub 700w arrives before I leave town.

However, [coworker 1], [boss], [coworker 2], [coworker 3] and (I think) [coworker 4] will also be in Orlando, so if you should need to reach me, one of them should be able to locate me. (Sorry for nominating you guys as my handlers.)

From: [me]
Sent: Monday, July 17, 2006 11:50 AM
To: [my team]
Subject: Latest News on Beelzebub


My new Beelzebub 700w is at the FedEx facility in Brooklyn, so I’m going to go pick it up, assuming I don’t die of heatstroke on the subway. I also have to go to the county court in Brooklyn to register for jury duty in person due to the fact that they apparently didn’t figure out that I moved a year ago and have been sending the notices to my old address. Apparently, when they don’t get you via mail, they threaten you with huge fines unless you drag yourself down to the court and register in person so that they can make you suffer for their inability to send things to the right address. Why am I telling you all this (besides to drum up sympathy for how sweaty and disgusting I’ll be by the end of the day today)? Because, assuming all goes smoothly, I’ll have a phone again by tonight. Therefore, (again assuming that all goes smoothly), you won’t have to make [boss], [coworker 1], [coworker 2], [coworker 3] or [coworker 4] find me if you should need me this week.

I know, none of you need me, but let me have my illusions here, m’kay?

From: [me]
Sent: Tuesday, July 18, 2006 9:49 AM
To: [my team]
Subject: All Hail the New Beelzebub 700w!


Thanks to the MTA, FedEx and, I successfully retrieved the new Beelzebub 700w from FedEx’s Brooklyn facility yesterday. I was, indeed, sweaty and disgusting by the time all was said and done, but I must say, I was FAR less sweaty and disgusting than the very bad-smelling man who was at the counter when I arrived and who kept wandering around trying to figure out his shipping rates during most of the time I was there. Once I’d mostly suppressed my gag reflex, I removed the ridiculous quantity of excess packaging that Verizon used to send something the size of a deck of cards and packed little Beelzebub2 into my shoulder bag, I then brought Beelzebub2 home and showed him Beelzebub1 so he would know what’s gonna happen to him if he pulls a stunt like Beelzebub1 did. Beelzebub1 is now in his little Verizon-supplied coffin, awaiting shipping to the “make it not suck anymore” facility.

After much boring configuration junk, Beelzebub2 is now (as far as I can tell) fully functional, which means that I am once again reachable even when I’m not parked in front of a computer. I know you’re all thrilled to hear this.

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