Tuesday, October 04, 2005

"Hi, I wrote and directed my own movie and it sucked so badly that now I'm directing porn."

Gee, it's so hard to tell those heads were Photoshopped onto those bodies.
As I mentioned, I watched The Smokers this weekend. As I discovered later when perusing reviews on IMDB, I, like many others, found this movie in the bargain bin at a Wal-Mart (don't ask what I was doing in a Wal-Mart; it was the middle of Pennsyltucky and there was nothing else from which to choose). Also like many others, I thought that the cover art looked kind of intriguing and thought that perhaps this was a sleeper that might turn out to be good. Besides, it was only five bucks.

I'd like my five bucks back.

Def Leppard says: Armageddon It!This movie sucked more than Armageddon, and in my book, that's bottom of the barrel.

Crap, time to clean this keyboard again; my space bar is getting flaky. I knew bruschetta in front of the laptop was a bad idea.

Okay, back to Shit Movie. People, I cannot emphasize this enough- don't waste your time watching this movie. I don't care if it's free. I don't care if you've been locked up in a basement for ten years and this is the only thing you're allowed to watch. Okay, I feel kinda badly for you if you've been locked in a basement for a decade, but still, don't watch this movie.

This movie was written and directed by a woman named Christina (AKA "Kat") Peters. Every movie she has done since this one has been a porno. Frankly, I'm betting even her pornos suck. The movie was also "produced" (read: financed) by Nicholas M. Loeb, who has one of the larger roles in the movie. His father has a bit part. I'm not sure which of them is the lousier actor. The lead actresses (it's an "ensemble" movie of sorts, I guess) are Dominque Swain, Busy Phillips and Keri Lynn Pratt. I dunno if you like any of them, but trust me when I say that they probably wish this flick wasn't on their resumes. Oh, and Thora Birch is in it, too. Almost everybody in Hollywood has a shit flick somewhere in his/her history, I guess...but really, this one is baaad.

Lemme give you the plot (and I use that term very loosely) as I recall it.

Three girls at a Wisconsin prep school (yeah, Wisconsin, no shit; we're not talking Choate here) sit around saying stupid things that are supposed to sound feminist and erudite. I think. It's hard to tell because the dialogue and acting are so awful that I kinda tuned out.

Slut in a Hat (and a wig)One girl is a slut (Busy Phillips). Clearly, we are supposed to think that she has been damaged by her terrible upbringing, and she's on a scholarship, which must mean she's trouble.

Oh, my, Prude has a G-U-N!Girl 2 (Keri Lynn Pratt)is uptight. Literally. She can't put in a tampon, but she does manage to lose her virginity in an unimaginative fashion that night. She says "ow". We'll call her "Prude", since I don't remember any of the characters' names.

Blow that gun, Opera Girl!Girl 3 (Dominique Swain) loves opera and is the Voice of Reason for the group. She also narrates, because this movie is just soooo deep that it's impossible to figure that out just by watching it. Let's call her "Opera Girl".

We learn these things via various poorly acted, hackneyed scenes:
1. Slut is really slutty and has big hats.
2. Slut wears "artistic" makeup and likes to lie on the ground with her legs spread and her panties showing after a particularly tough game of field hockey.
3. Slut is Very Angry At Men.
4. Prude's boyfriend has no personality.
5. Prude's boyfriend comes after two thrusts.
6. Prude is therefore also Very Angry At Men.
7. Opera Girl is the objet du d├ęsir of the incredibly bad actor who financed this movie. Gee, you can't see where this is going, right? I mean, it's not like it's gonna turn out that Opera Girl is the lone virgin in the group and one traumatic night, she'll suddenly realize that she LOOOOVES bad actor guy. Oops, did I spoil the movie?
8. Slut, Prude and Opera Girl trade clothes a lot. A huge black cowboy hat that appears to have been made from the hide of slaughtered plushies makes its appearance throughout the movie.

The girls go to Opera Girl's house for spring break, where we are made to understand that Opera Girl's mom is Very Important, Very Busy and Never Home. Opera Girl's sister, Thora Birch (henceforth known as Freaky Sister), is smoking pot from a three-foot-long bong, drinking bad gin and playing with loaded weapons. Naughty girl, Freaky Sister is. Oh, our disaffected youth!

Hi, I'm Freaky Sister. Can I shoot you with my big gun? I'm really stoned. And I drink gin. I'm fourteen.Freaky Sister plays reverse Russian Roulette with Slut. Reverse RR, because there's only one empty chamber in the gun and Freaky Sister points it at Slut and pulls the trigger, then challenges Slut to do the same to her. Slut chickens out and we discover that there were bullets in all of the other chambers and Slut would have killed Freaky Sister. Maybe we should have called Freaky Sister "Nihilistic Sister" instead.

Girls go back to school after playing with gun while doing their nails. Slut decides that the best way to exact vengeance upon all Bad Men (which, apparently, is also All Men) by raping them at gunpoint.

This never actually succeeds. I guess it's difficult to get a boner at gunpoint if you are:

A. Really in love with your Prude girlfriendMr. Winky won't wake up!
B. A dork and a terrible actorMy Daddy paid for this movie! Rape me!
C. GayOMG! Is that another BOY in your bed???

So, more boring crap happens.

Slut gets raped by Older Man in Limo despite pulling The Gun on him (actually, she gets raped ON the limo because she apparently forgets how to run away when she jumps out of the limo and as a result, Older Man in Limo is able to catch her and "do it" to her over the car hood while the limo driver watches, expressionless. Oh, the humanity!).

Prude accidentally shoots Campus Stud (heretofore unmentioned because seriously, I've gone on too long about this shit movie already) in the head while he's pounding her during prom. Before he gets his brains blown out, he's really (really) thrilled to be porking "Rape Girl". Then she shoots him and he's not so happy about it anymore.

[Boyfriend, Campus Stud and Gay Dude pretending not to be embarrassed about having been in this crap movie.]

Opera Girl holds a lighter up to a smoke detector to set off the fire alarm so that Prude and Slut can escape so they can get their stories straight. Opera Girl slips and falls, catching a shower curtain on fire. In one of the most muddled, most stupid, most completely unintelligible and low-budget fire scenes of all time, Slut ends up burning up in the shower. Conveniently, she has brought the gun with her.

Slut ends up getting blamed for everything. Freaky Sister is valedictorian of her class.

The end.

You know what? This movie actually sounds about a thousand times better on paper than it actually was.

Please, if you value even a single firing synapse in your brain, do not watch this movie.

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